Thursday, March 10, 2011


At some point I will write in more detail about the crap/junk/processed meat products/synthetic food/chocolate/pizza/etc. I've downed in longer adventure races.

Bill, however, is a bit more consistent in what he likes to stuff his face with as we meander through a long race -- the most processed sandwich he can find. We've rushed to start lines after stopping at gas stations for shrink-wrapped cheeseburgers, barged into WaWas (Does everywhere have WaWa yet? If not, I am sad for everywhere) to grab pre-packaged ham sandwiches. The more fat and calories and the more likely to withstand a dousing during the paddle, the better.

For the Rev3, Bill is apparently trying something new--I came home last night to find something scary sitting on the coffee table.

My initial thoughts were this:
  1. The very fact that this item is in my household constitutes a household emergency. Thus, according to the box, I need this item in my house, reconstituting a household emergency. Well, shit. Mobius strip, anyone?
  2. I think it should be "READY-TO-EAT SANDWICHES" instead of "READY TO EAT SANDWICHES." The lack of punctuation almost makes this feast seem like an exclamation, maybe a question, or at worst, a mere statement. READY TO EAT SANDWICHES! READY TO EAT SANDWICHES? READY TO EAT SANDWICHES.
  3. It is cruel to juxtapose beautiful mountain scenery with READY TO EAT SANDWICHES.
  4. Barbecued chicken? Really? Are you sure that's what those bloody chunks of monstrosity are?
Bill was very excited about his purchase and announced that he would test one during his long run today (to his credit he still got the run in despite the crazy wind and rain pelting us again today). I hoped he was kidding. While I sat around hoping he was kidding I decided to further investigate the alarming box.
Yeah, I know this picture is gigantic. It's just that I want to share with you how to make
I like that the directions for READY TO EAT SANDWICHES state that said SANDWICHES "can be heated via one of the following methods: AS IS: Tear open the pouch at tear notches. Remove Sandwich and eat." Hmm. This isn't really a heating method, is it? Instead, we are told that to eat the Sandwich we should go through the extensive prep of eating it.

I am also happy that "Sandwich" is capitalized here, but not when eaten after being placed in a microwave. In case of microwaving, it is simply "sandwich." Equally as awesome is the fact that all directions include removing Sandwich from the pouch before eating. In case you were confused and thought that the pouch was part of the meal.

Bill wasn't home when I got home from work today. However, he'd clearly had a productive day as, sitting on the dining room table, was the box of READY TO EAT SANDWICHES. One was missing. I took out one of the survivors and poked it a bit. Sandwich just sat on the table like this:

Looks scrumptious, doesn't it? Who wants to come over for dinner for SANDWICH SHELF STABLE HONEY BARBECUED CHICKEN?

Giveaway! I am offering one reader the opportunity to come over for dinner where we will feast on READY TO EAT SANDWICHES. Simply leave a comment on my blog, be a follower (of anything, not necessairly my blog), make a Twitter account for me, and then follow me on Twitter. For an extra entry, go to the READY TO EAT SANDWICHES Web site and tell me what flavor of READY TO EAT SANDWICH you would like to have when you come over. The winner will then be selected by noon on March 29 not by a random number generator but by whomever mails me the largest amount of cash.


joanna said...

I would like to enter your giveaway for READY TO EAT SANDWICHES. I would like the Pepperoni Stick Sandwich and Maureen, as a strict vegetarian, would like the Cinnamon Bun. I have never won a giveaway in my life so I'm really hoping that I win. I read your blog religiously and my twin kittens read along with me.

(I would like to note that the word verification for posting this was "spank")

Anonymous said...

I would love to enter your giveaway but I am a vegetarian. Phew! That was close. Now, if doing adventure races means that I get a free pass to eat processed high-fat thingy thingies, I might have to reconsider. My only concern is that I won't survive the race to actually eat the thingy thingies. ;-)

Mallory said...

I think I might barf looking at those!!! What did he think??

Anonymous said...

Cinnamon Buns. It's an adorable nickname and a running accident!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, that is awesome. Eating one of those sandwiches seems like a game of dietary Russian roulette. There should be badges and medals and everything for actually eating one and completing a race, any race, without tossing one's cookies.

After worrying about my own diet, I now feel like the healthiest eater in the world. Thank you.

And now to purchase a Ready to Eat Sandwich

Bill said...

The sandwich did not cause any dietary distress. I have eaten my fair share of Hot Pockets and Laurie's "taco mess" and "pizza mess," so maybe I have a strong constitution. The sandwich was mostly bread and rather bland. But, the lingering taste of barbeque sauce will make for a nice change from energy bars and gu during a 24 hour race.

I was a little taken aback by the "do not eat" oxygen absorbtion packet inside the wrapper.

Bill said...

You can get your Ready to Eat Sandwiches at REI!

Terri said...

I think this is an awesome giveaway! However, I cannot come over to your house and eat RTES unless you live in East Tennessee or Western North Carolina. Still, I can appreciate the thought, and if I win maybe you can eat the RTES for me and do a full report? :)

Jogging with Fiction said...

Those sandwiches terrify me! Holy cow!!

Also, Click is seriously delicious. Mike hates coffee, but he loves this, that's how good it is. You should definitely definitely give it a try!

L Finch said...

You are a hoot!!! You "earned" yourself a new follower woohoo!!!!

Lia said...

I love this. Fantastic deconstruction of a mystifying foodstuff and it's reason for existing.

Nobel4Lit said...

Another veg here, but I wanted to comment on the interesting concept... it's like savory Pop-Tarts!

Jenn said...

OMG... my stomach kinda turned! haha... the part that scares me the most is that it doesn't have to be refrigerated.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm...yummy! I'm so bummed out that I'm behind on my blog reading and missed the giveaway! This post made me laugh.

Val said...

Bill, protect your pack in those wee hours next week. Now that I know they'll be in there -- 3am BBQ craving? -- I'll have all sorts of reasons to carry your pack for a bit....